I spend an exorbitant amount of time anxiously worrying about what other people think of me. I worry about other things too, usually whatever could go wrong in any given situation, but other people’s opinions of me, in particular, is something that monopolizes much of my brain power. I worry so much, in fact, that I sometimes wonder if I would cease to exist if … Continue reading It’s Not About You (and that’s Great)
By now, hopefully you and everyone you care about has watched Hannah Gadsby’s “Nanette.” (If not, please go do so immediately!) Towards the end of the show, Hannah says, “The damage done to me is real and debilitating; I will never flourish.” I’ve been rolling this one around in my head a lot. It’s not a new idea to me, it’s one I’ve thought many … Continue reading Flourish
[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War
Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me
I remember carefully decorating our small kitchen with streamers one year. I couldn’t have been more than 7 years old at the time and needed to slide a chair all around the kitchen just to get the height required to hang the streamers. It was my mother’s birthday, and I wanted to celebrate her; I wanted her to know she was loved and adored. Only … Continue reading Birthday Blues
The air is cool this morning, but I still have the summer blanket on the bed. I pull the fleece close to me, trying to conserve the heat within my blanket cocoon, when the alarm on my phone starts blaring. It screeches and insists I type in a pattern to silence the cacophony, but none of this truly stirs me from my slumber. I’ve silenced … Continue reading What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?
“What’s the point of you anyway?” It’s a question I ask myself a lot. Often it’s the concluding thought in a downward spiral of self-deprecation, generally kicked off because I made a simple mistake or said something embarrassing. I can be rather hard on myself. It’s not as though I lack the skill set necessary to be kind and caring and considerate–I can treat other … Continue reading “What’s the point of you anyway?”