The Swamp of Sadness from "The Neverending Story."

The Neverending War

[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War

Me, waiting for a train that will never come. Circa 2012.

Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Choose You

CW: discussion of childhood trauma, mention of assault The most traumatic part of my assault was actually a decision I made directly afterwards. I didn’t even realize I was making a decision, and at such a tender age I should’ve never been in a position to have had to make said decision. I had finally found my mother, the mission I’d originally been on when … Continue reading Choose You

On Self-Hate

CW: Discussion of depression, suicide, and mental health As a person who’s struggled with clinical Depression as long as she’s had memories, the concepts of “loving yourself” and “self-care” have always made me raise an eyebrow. Sure, I can get on board with those concepts in theory, but in practice? Now you’re pushing it. I stopped trying to talk about this with friends a long … Continue reading On Self-Hate