Photo by Masha Rostovskaya on Unsplash

It’s Not About You (and that’s Great)

I spend an exorbitant amount of time anxiously worrying about what other people think of me. I worry about other things too, usually whatever could go wrong in any given situation, but other people’s opinions of me, in particular, is something that monopolizes much of my brain power. I worry so much, in fact, that I sometimes wonder if I would cease to exist if … Continue reading It’s Not About You (and that’s Great)

The Swamp of Sadness from "The Neverending Story."

The Neverending War

[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War

Me, waiting for a train that will never come. Circa 2012.

Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Thinking selfie

“What’s the point of you anyway?”

“What’s the point of you anyway?” It’s a question I ask myself a lot. Often it’s the concluding thought in a downward spiral of self-deprecation, generally kicked off because I made a simple mistake or said something embarrassing. I can be rather hard on myself. It’s not as though I lack the skill set necessary to be kind and caring and considerate–I can treat other … Continue reading “What’s the point of you anyway?”

Choose You

CW: discussion of childhood trauma, mention of assault The most traumatic part of my assault was actually a decision I made directly afterwards. I didn’t even realize I was making a decision, and at such a tender age I should’ve never been in a position to have had to make said decision. I had finally found my mother, the mission I’d originally been on when … Continue reading Choose You

“Who could ever learn to love a Beast?”

CW: Discussion of body and gender issues, gendered insults When you’re a young girl growing up in the States, “Who’s your favorite Disney princess?” is a question you get asked on a regular basis. Nowadays, I would definitely say Mulan (the trans hero of my heart–I’ll have to do a whole separate post about that), but when I was a kid I would say Belle, … Continue reading “Who could ever learn to love a Beast?”