The Swamp of Sadness from "The Neverending Story."

The Neverending War

[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War

Me, waiting for a train that will never come. Circa 2012.

Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

A goofy self-portrait from 2011

Progress

If you played an instrument for any length of time while you were growing up in the United States, you were probably subjected to an adjudicated music festival at some point in time. Since I grew up in New York, ours was called “NYSSMA,” which referred to the organization that ran it, the New York State School Music Association. My mom once called it “lambs … Continue reading Progress

Thinking selfie

“What’s the point of you anyway?”

“What’s the point of you anyway?” It’s a question I ask myself a lot. Often it’s the concluding thought in a downward spiral of self-deprecation, generally kicked off because I made a simple mistake or said something embarrassing. I can be rather hard on myself. It’s not as though I lack the skill set necessary to be kind and caring and considerate–I can treat other … Continue reading “What’s the point of you anyway?”

Choose You

CW: discussion of childhood trauma, mention of assault The most traumatic part of my assault was actually a decision I made directly afterwards. I didn’t even realize I was making a decision, and at such a tender age I should’ve never been in a position to have had to make said decision. I had finally found my mother, the mission I’d originally been on when … Continue reading Choose You