The Swamp of Sadness from "The Neverending Story."

The Neverending War

[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War

A hand holding a Tamagotchi.

Care for the Organism

Forgive me for stating the obvious here, but executive dysfunction is challenging. For years, I just thought I was lazy, or broken, or overly depressed (some of the last one is probably accurate, I have been dealing with clinical depression about as long as I’ve had memory). Eventually, I came across the concept of executive function and it’s flip-side, the dysfunction, and while it sounded … Continue reading Care for the Organism

Me, waiting for a train that will never come. Circa 2012.

Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Thinking selfie

“What’s the point of you anyway?”

“What’s the point of you anyway?” It’s a question I ask myself a lot. Often it’s the concluding thought in a downward spiral of self-deprecation, generally kicked off because I made a simple mistake or said something embarrassing. I can be rather hard on myself. It’s not as though I lack the skill set necessary to be kind and caring and considerate–I can treat other … Continue reading “What’s the point of you anyway?”

Choose You

CW: discussion of childhood trauma, mention of assault The most traumatic part of my assault was actually a decision I made directly afterwards. I didn’t even realize I was making a decision, and at such a tender age I should’ve never been in a position to have had to make said decision. I had finally found my mother, the mission I’d originally been on when … Continue reading Choose You