The Swamp of Sadness from "The Neverending Story."

The Neverending War

[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War

Me, waiting for a train that will never come. Circa 2012.

Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me

Me napping with my tortoiseshell calico, Titi.

Tired

In “Nanette,” Hannah Gadsby’s comes out as “tired.” I know some folks took umbrage at this joke, likening it to the “I identify as an attack helicopter” joke a lot of ignorant people like to make in regards to gender, but I don’t think that was the joke at all. In fact, I don’t think this line was a joke, even though you can’t help … Continue reading Tired

Me being my goofy self, circa 2012.

Permission

“Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it come from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility, it’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak…” –Hannah Gadsby When I saw “Nanette” for the first time and I heard Hannah speak these words, it was as though someone had put a large bell over … Continue reading Permission

Thinking selfie

“What’s the point of you anyway?”

“What’s the point of you anyway?” It’s a question I ask myself a lot. Often it’s the concluding thought in a downward spiral of self-deprecation, generally kicked off because I made a simple mistake or said something embarrassing. I can be rather hard on myself. It’s not as though I lack the skill set necessary to be kind and caring and considerate–I can treat other … Continue reading “What’s the point of you anyway?”