[CW: discussion of clinical Depression, suicide, and mental health] [Spoilers for the 1984 film The Neverending Story.] I’ve been fighting a war a long as I can remember, and I am tired. This war isn’t fought with guns or bombs or missiles, but my life is on the line nonetheless. I don’t want to die, but there’s voice in my mind telling me I should, insisting that … Continue reading The Neverending War
Disclaimer: I’m not endorsing tardiness in any way, shape, or form. I realize that to function in our current world, punctuality is a must. This is just a recounting of some of my personal struggles with punctuality and timeliness. Recently, I wrote about Executive Dysfunction and the difficulties it causes. One of the most common issues is problems with time management: tardiness, procrastination, etc. Time management … Continue reading Tardy
Forgive me for stating the obvious here, but executive dysfunction is challenging. For years, I just thought I was lazy, or broken, or overly depressed (some of the last one is probably accurate, I have been dealing with clinical depression about as long as I’ve had memory). Eventually, I came across the concept of executive function and it’s flip-side, the dysfunction, and while it sounded … Continue reading Care for the Organism
Confidence is sexy. Don’t ask me where I learned that, it’s just one of those things “everyone knows.” Surely you’ve learned this too, either in conversation or directly. As a person who’s never had much self-confidence to speak of, I can’t tally the number of times well-meaning friends have instructed me to simply “Be confident!” as though that is actually helpful life advice. They act … Continue reading Don’t Hate Me Because I Hate Me
I remember carefully decorating our small kitchen with streamers one year. I couldn’t have been more than 7 years old at the time and needed to slide a chair all around the kitchen just to get the height required to hang the streamers. It was my mother’s birthday, and I wanted to celebrate her; I wanted her to know she was loved and adored. Only … Continue reading Birthday Blues
I wish I could say I’ve handled the autistic realization with nothing but gracefully acceptance, but that’s not the case. It’s been a bit of a process, to be honest, somewhat like grieving. I guess I’m grieving any chance of ever truly being normal but… didn’t I already know I was “different”? My whole life, haven’t I known? But that’s so me, to hold out … Continue reading Common Reaction
I am three years old. I am not a loud or rambunctious child, but I am constantly humming to myself. Mom will find this habit charming until the day I learn to whistle. I am four years old. My mother wants to brush my hair, the way she always dreamed of brushing her daughter’s silky hair as though she were a doll. I do not … Continue reading Actually Autistic?